Once again I have taken to my friends I have made through anxiety & asked them if they fancied doing a blog post & this time it is Nicola's turn. I met Nicola through an old friend & we speak on the phone once a week. Nicola doesn't have a blog so I thought it would be a good way for her to speak out & just basically get out everything she wants to say..
So here goes...
"Get a grip."
"You're pathetic, you are so childish!"
"Just go out and get over it."
"You really are annoying."
These are just a few things that have been said to me over the years, 2 were family members, 1 was a school peer and another was from a friend, who I have never fully forgiven. It really makes me wonder how people can even question why mental health issues are seen in such a bad light, well this is why! It's the people bad mouthing them that have no idea.
There are three sides, in my opinion, to the ignorance of non sufferers.
1: Those who have someone close who suffers and they are in denial that the person can have such issues that they don't accept what they see before them.
2: Those who genuinely know very little of the situation and therefore play dumb to it (as with other areas in life, like tax, or bills, you're oblivious until it hits you in the face).
3: The just plain ignorant a**holes that don't give a monkey's about anyone but their own happiness. Yes, I know a LOT of these people.
I've not really got many people I can go to with my problems, in fact, I can probably count them on one hand- Anna being one of them!
This makes things a lot harder, especially on those days you just want to crawl into a hole and sleep. Some of my relationships have been improved because of my problems, whilst others have helped me see the real friends from those who are willing to leave without saying goodbye.
Not a lot of this may make sense, I'm having a tired day, but I think that having certain issues (not just mental health issues) opens our eyes more than others.
Take two examples: 1) My mum and I have been a lot closer since I had a breakdown in front of her. 2) My friendship with a boy I used to think of as my rock has turned to one full of hatred and anger, when he completely dismissed me for his girlfriend. Ok, so the second one may sound like I'm jealous, but I'm not. I would never have classed him as a boyfriend, I would have classed him as my brother, he was with me through thick and thin and often held me until the crying stopped. I went to him and told him I wanted it all to end and to go away. So when his new girlfriend decided she didn't like me, for whatever reason, and he walked straight past me in the car park, stopped talking to me, stopped checking up on me, I knew I'd lost him. We went from talking and hugging everyday to...never. We didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.
So that's why support from other people is so important to me now, and why it takes a lot longer for me to trust. How do people expect us to help ourselves if they aren't willing to do so. I often give advice, support and help to other sufferers, because I don't want them to feel the way I did, and still do sometimes. I just wished more people saw that, that all of these people need someone to understand, because when there is understanding, then you can begin to move forward.
Living with an anxiety disorder that often leaves me housebound is pretty hard to understand, I get that. It's always hard to explain exactly what I'm afraid of because, in truth, I don't know anymore. Over time I've lost what it was that I was afraid of. The fundamental basics of my issue is embarrassing myself in public and being judged negatively by those around me; so this includes things like being ill, fainting, tripping over, along with other rarer events. I'm always in a constant battle with myself, on the one hand, I know what I'm worried about is ridiculous and likely not to happen (and even if it did, it wouldn't be the end of the world), and on the other, I'm still so scared and over think any possible outcome.
I have had social anxiety disorder (along with all the other issues and phobias that come with it) since I was 7 years old. It began with me getting so excited about going somewhere I would make myself sick, which then turned into worry that going somewhere would then result in me being sick. Over time, to cut a long story short, I became so fearful of going anywhere and potentially being ill, that I stopped leaving the house completely, save for school and family visits.
I am now 19. And it isn't just me, there are so many people out there who suffer just as I do, and a lot of other types of mental health issues, and I have so much love and respect for them, to all of you.
You do not choose to have mental health issues, you cannot just 'get over them' and you sometimes have less freedom than people with other forms of disabilities. Being out in public with me, during a panic attack, and telling me 'not to be so ridiculous' is not the way to calm me down, if anything you will only make me worse.
Don't treat us like babies either, we don't want to be coddled.
Yes, give us support, ask us how we are occasionally, but please don't check up on us every 5 minutes. Just accommodate for us. Like my mum the other day, where we were helping at a local event and she knew I would not eat the buffet in the main room, so she took me into the back so I would get some food down me.
I always hate having to write 'mental health issues', 'problems' and 'issues', it always makes them sound so negative, which I suppose they are, but there just isn't an easier way to name them.
I suppose that's what always surrounds this topic, negativity, and however much positivity we throw at it, it only masks the bad for so long.
I'll end with one of my favourite quotes, not an uplifting one sadly, but one that I'm sure many of us can relate to. From Perks of Being A Wallflower.
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